Before I Forget

Bullets,
they slide off my back.
Do you know what it will take,
to pierce a shell as thick as mine?

Pathetic Confusion

I didn't understand.
They were all laughing at her, saying that's not what he meant,
but didn't she answer correctly?
Sure his reaction was funny... but that's the answer he wanted right?
I was very confused, and couldn't help but feel some pity D:
Why were some laughing? I hope it was his reaction.
Or were they simply laughing because their peers were laughing?
I'm afraid I waste thought on such inane notions.
These things don't matter, so why do I bother to ponder on them?
I guess I just want to say: I have your back.

The Molder

Having some clay in the palm of your hand,
is like having the world at your finger tips.
Finally, you have complete control over something in your life.
You can make it do whatever you fancy,
bend it to your will.
May you make a pirate ship,
with catwalks and crows nests and galleons a plenty,
or a simple bowl.
And if in the end you deem your work unsavory,
you can smash it up and start all over again.
This is my kind of power-trip.

To write love on her arms...

To write love on her arms is a rather inspiring movement.
To find out more go here
It makes me a little happy that they lend a
hand and support those with depression and
those who are recovering from it (they support
other things too, I'm just focusing on this one).
It makes me feel like someone cares; a lot
of people don't realize what depression can do
to some people. Depression to me is something
that you don't just 'get'. It is an imbalance of
chemicals in your brain. I feel that in order
to actually say you have depression, you have
to be professionally diagnosed. Depression I will
remind You, is NOT good. It is not something you want to have..
A lot of times people can get depression confused
with sadness, hallowness, or glomminess. That's
basically what it is, but just because you are sad
or have been down in the dumps lately, doesn't
mean you are depressed. For those of you who don't
know its full extent,
here is peek into what life is like with depression:


By pixijane on deviantart,
the original page can be found here:


"I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.


Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:


You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.


Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.


Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.


Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.



I will do it. I think
I will write 'love' on my arm on friday nov. 13th.
Hope is good enough, whether it's false or for a second.
It's good enough for me.

A LOOK INTO THE LIFE OF NIZA

First of all, I would like to start of with this
very flawed thought; "Sadly, most of the time it
takes experience for people to realize the meaning
of situation."


I love my family, no matter how broken we are.
I think we kids got very lucky. My mom is very
important to me and I know she will always be there
when I need her. She has helped me through so much;
I can't imagine life without her. My mom did a very
good job of raising us I think, she taught us to
think for ourselves and be our own people. She taught
us how to be nice and love every living thing.

My mom offers me a different perspective on life.
She grew up in a very very poor family. Her mom was
clinically depressed up until the time I was born,
so I guess that made life harder for my mom and her
sisters, they basically had to take care of themselves
and eachother without their mothers help. My grandpa
was a very hard worker, he cared deeply for his family
and worked a lot just so they could have shelter, food,
and clothing.

It doesn't matter where you came from,
how much money you have, who you know,
how good you are at something, what you look like...
It's who you are. Despite of everything, my mom is the
most amazing and wonderful person I know
(even better than the dahli lama!). She has a big heart
and is very open and kind. She helps me stay strong.
I love her so much.





Nate loves fishing! not to mention football and WWE wrestling...

My brother is... well hes just Nathaneil, and thats
the only way I can describe him. He says the funniest
things, and does the funniest things always. He has his
own language in which we can hold conversations.
He is the coolest little brother I could ever ask for.
I'm grateful for him. Even if he does get out of control
and annoying a lot.





Kylie loves soccer... shes the one on the left :P

Kylie is my sister. We do fight a lot, considering
that we have to share a room and we have different
sleeping schedules, different music tastes
(imagine the top 40 countdown playing along
with my indie and techno, the results are horrifying)
and we are almost exact opposites. She works on her
appearence for hours in the morning, and wouldn't dare
to be caught in public wearing pajamas or with a hair
out of place. She doesn't necessarily like interacting
with her family in public, she will always walk a little
ahead. Thats just how she is, and I'm okay with that,
because when we do get along its awesome. We will laugh
and laugh and laugh about the strangest things ever,
and sing songs that are playing on the radio.





He looks older in this picture... well this is him in ireland :D

My dad... I can't say that I know him very well,
because I don't. His definition of discipline seems a
little strange to me, and his mercurial personality
mysterious. Anyways, I do know that my dad loves us
deeply and would do anything for us, I am grateful
for that. Sometimes he can be outright hilarious.
He is a great person, and I am proud of him. He
knows what he is talking about.

I have never been embarassed by my family at all, I will
hug them in public, in front of my class mates, I would
tell them I loved them so everyone could hear.
My family rocks.


ANYWAYS ON A LIGHTER NOTE; THIS BE SOME OF MY SOCIAL LIFE



As you can infer it was home coming, this picture makes me laugh everytime. Obivouly I am uncomfortable, because all of these little wild things gaurdians were looking at us D: -scrutiny-



OMG I LOVE ALL ANIMALS, BUT IF I HAD TO PICK JUST ONE IT WOULD BE THE SEAHORSE! I count 6.



Dis is colleen and everyone she is the epitome of awesome!!! You should totally check out her blog even though I have no idea what it's called.



At the house on fountain street :P Oh how I loved that house. Chrizzizle and I are having a sleepover! If you look in the upper left hand corner you can see and orb! Or is it a fire detector?



I am ALWAYS getting in the way. This is attempt two on my picture crashing >:}



In preparation for winter fest, we proceded on making snowmen till dark, then coming inside, quickly slipping on our dresses only to eat pizza and play quitar hero. We are so cool, lasers shoot from our eyes and fingers. Oh and... Is that Kelsey T in a dress!? No way no way!!

Where The Wild Things Are

When I saw that movie, in the beginning I cried.
Not because I was sad, but because it was too close for comfort.
The family, too similar,
The emotion created by the movie,
I know too well.
That feeling...
what is it...
The feeling of a howl
made by sad, wounded, left behind wolf.
A feigning weakness.
I can't describe it.
The movie embodied my emotions as a whole.
Too well, I felt like my life was laid out for everyone to see.
Max, exactly like my brother.
Claire, exactly like my sister.
The mother reminded me of my mother.
Carol, I thought, was a lot like me.
(except I can take a joke better,
I wouldn't rip off anyones arm,
and I would be more then happy to
let bob and terry in the fortress...)

Bleed

bleeding...
The contents of my soul pour out
onto the page
vomit.
everything inside of me.
stab.
not through my bones, through my guts.
peel.
away the skin.
disdain.
coats the inside of my mouth.


My anger becomes a snarling wolf,
My sorrow becomes the river,
my aspirations the tree.
My tears create a thin line between
the sky and earth,
My longing for something more,
the mountains.
My wishes I send above them as cirrus,
the plain of golden wheat below
contains all of my knowledge.

There is never a sun.

Never coloured,
my sketches sit in black and white.

What an Oddity...

1. read book
2. wiggles toes
3. watches TV
4. okay...
5. reads book
6. looks back
7. takes drink
8. watches TV
9. looked back
10. wiggled toes

Feeble

This whole thing is a mess.
Exaggerated beyond repair,
Mountain out of a mole hill,
Tears over spilt milk.
I hate what it has become.
Damaging my binding,
shaking the life from my pages,
ripping my soul apart.
When I cut one head off,
it grows another,
until there are many more than I can deal with.

don't let yourself become like me.

My dreams are so lucid, joyous, and pleasant.
I wish I could crawl into them and disappear entirely.

The Tortoise and the Hare

If I had been the rabbit,
I would have turned the turtle on its back,
so it would have no hope of catching up to me
no matter how many times I rested.

Counterfeit

Sometimes I swear I can see straight through you.
Why do you lie when you don't have too?

I have a leopard gecko.

I have a leopard gecko
who doesn't really have a name.
I got him about a week ago,
and it still remains the same.
His socks are made of yellow,
dotted with some blots of black.
He even has a ridge of bumps,
in the middle of his back.
These bumps cover his whole body,
from his head down to his tail.
They leave impressions in my fingers,
when I handle him with care.
He finds his cage amuzing,
when I feed him through the top.
I drop the crickets in,
and they land with a plop.
Immediately he is alert,
for something is not right.
No longer alone in his cage,
but they remain out of sight.
He does not see them until they scuttle across his field of vision,
then he will begin to hunt with swift speed and precision.
Zero-ed in on his prey,
his tail begins to quiver,
He jumps on it and gulps it up,
the cricket is delivered.
Content in himself,
and content with me,
he will go back into hiding.
To a place where I can't see.
Inside his favorite log,
is where I often find him sleeping.
I do not dare disturb him,
or even bother peeping.
So I decide to leave him alone,
to let him nap peacefully.
I have a leopard gecko,
and the gecko has me.

light..

Thoughts
they race
far across
the vast, empty
fathoms of my mind.
they soon
begin
to
leave
impressions in the foldings.
planting,
seeding.
Hope.