Skinny Dipping

I'm in love with you,
but I don't know what to do,
because you can do better than me,
but I can't do better than you.

I don't want to lose you.

Righteous Eyes

When I looked into your eyes I saw dazzling lights of a world in blue.
I wondered if you loved mine too.

Fantastically Me

I am Niza.
I do the impossible.
I write the improbable.
I live the dream.

The Crane

foggy streets but light finds its way through and highlights us as we clack and tap down the streets neon at our heels cradle flying over head we are marching towards the sea batons in hand

Gotta Break the Cycle

Just when I thought I was over you,
you jump up, grab me, and pull me back under.
It is here I will die, in this shallow hole carved
into your heart.

The Greatest Treasure

Back to black
stars explode
here in the ocean it's all I see
suspended in time
defying gravity
the stars have come out to play with me
Light my world for a while
take up all this empty space
that divides our world in two
invisible yet compelling.
A force to be wreckened with
the barrier between reality
and me
nails rake back and forth
my hands will find a gap and tear it open.
To overflow with light
would be the greatest treasure in the world.

Heads Will Roll

Sleeping glacier sunrise
height of light
glitter coats the mouth
of the dormant demon
laying down horizon
swallowing shadows
spiting up sky

Scattered Shelves

In my abandonment I realized some not so pleasant truths.
The fish I was staring at will probably die within a week,
and the gears in my mind were about to shatter. A million
and one thoughts raced through my head, each making me more
vulnerable than the last, so soon I was unable to hide from
them. Eventually I was overwhelmed by these emotions and forced
to succomb. A wave of rage and torment flooded the fissures in
my body and misery blinded me. I was no longer in control, my
own emotions were getting the best of me.

It came to my attention that I was holding a bag of tiny
chocolate morsels in each hand, how they got there I didn't know,
but I had the sudden urge to rip them open and scatter their contents across the floor.

In my mind I could see the scene unfold, the people in the isle
would probably stare and me and give me dirty looks, or perhaps
yell at me. I would probably have to pay for the bags, and worst
case scenario security would come and stomp my actions out.

At that moment in time I wanted to take my arms or maybe a broom,
and sweep every single can in the isle off the shelves.
Plick! Plank! Plunk!
The cans hit the floor.
Some exploded, some tripped people, and some bounced into carts.
Cans were everywhere, but I didn't stop there.
I continued to do the same with the next isle and the next.
By now, people were freaking out, and I was sure I'd make headlines.
I could see it now "Pyscho Girl Rages in Wal-Mart" across the
top of every newspaper. Videos of this episode will be leaked
onto youtube, and everyone that knows me would point me out
saying, 'Hey I know that girl!'" Imagine the riot that would
start though, if I managed to push the actual shelves over.
A domino affect would be created, and soon everything the store
had to offer would be left in ruins.


These thoughts amused me, but of course this never happened,
and will never happen.

Of the Hoard

when I find the words I will start this...

Cackle and Vines

the twilight dawn,
the castle steeps,

to be continued...

The Vomitting Revolver

sigh
sweaty palms
feeling of calm
know what you gotta do.
pick it up.

click
click
click
...
click...

anticipation..

clickclickclick

nervous, on edge
sweat drips off your face
...



bang.
nothing.


to be revised

Plunge

The water tenses up my muscles,
my teeth are sent chattering.
Struggling,
flailing,
failing.
I try to keep a float.
The current is raging, it pulls me under.
Too long I have been caught in this spin cycle.
I break the surface.
Water cuts into my throught and fills my lungs.
Now I'm choking, and the water is stinging my eyes.
Cold has made my body numb, feeling has become a thing of the past.
A hand pushes me under and holds me there,
presses me against the murky muddy bottom,
waiting for me to relent, until the time for a normal person
to drown laspes.
It retreat.

I wash up on shore downriver.
My breath returns, and along with it, my strength.
Mobile I become, traveling away from the sandy banks and torrenting currents.
It will take more than that to get rid of me.

Pull Me Apart

pull me apart
cut me in two
divide me in half
you know you want too

It will make you feel good
it will make you feel grand
to squash me like bugs
underneath your hand

go on, you can do it
you're almost there
hesitate, you won't
because you never did care

try it, don't deny it
it's more fun than it sounds,
there is nothing like taking
an old friend down.

Cracked

Traces of pain are stained in spiderwebs across my face.
I don't know why you did it... Or how you could forget.
I don't know how it happened... Or why you lied to me.
I know this was not your intention, but you were careless.
Careless enough to cause me to drown
in this swamping fathomless ocean of tears.

The Hungry-eyed Beast Song

Chains chains chains
They tie me down
(they tie me down)
Down on the ground
(down on the ground)
Down to the ground
(down to the ground)
And I writh and I pull and I knaw at
These shackles.
Oh, these burdening shackles...
Inanattempt to be free-ED.
To be able to taste the sea and smell the flowers
and touch the sky and hear the birds sing
and watch the world revolve around me.....
But they won't budge
(but they won't budge)
Oh no they won't budge... 

We Looked Like Giants

I bet we looked like giants,
to those from far away.
So big and so mighty,
we blocked out the sun.
The shadows we cast were endless,
enveloping everything in their path.
The sky rolled off our shoulders,
the clouds bounced from our skin.
Up here we were untouchable,
made of stone,
we were invincible.

It's About Time

For 5 hours last night,
I finally suceeded in casting off all my worries and doubts.

Before I Forget

Bullets,
they slide off my back.
Do you know what it will take,
to pierce a shell as thick as mine?

Pathetic Confusion

I didn't understand.
They were all laughing at her, saying that's not what he meant,
but didn't she answer correctly?
Sure his reaction was funny... but that's the answer he wanted right?
I was very confused, and couldn't help but feel some pity D:
Why were some laughing? I hope it was his reaction.
Or were they simply laughing because their peers were laughing?
I'm afraid I waste thought on such inane notions.
These things don't matter, so why do I bother to ponder on them?
I guess I just want to say: I have your back.

The Molder

Having some clay in the palm of your hand,
is like having the world at your finger tips.
Finally, you have complete control over something in your life.
You can make it do whatever you fancy,
bend it to your will.
May you make a pirate ship,
with catwalks and crows nests and galleons a plenty,
or a simple bowl.
And if in the end you deem your work unsavory,
you can smash it up and start all over again.
This is my kind of power-trip.

To write love on her arms...

To write love on her arms is a rather inspiring movement.
To find out more go here
It makes me a little happy that they lend a
hand and support those with depression and
those who are recovering from it (they support
other things too, I'm just focusing on this one).
It makes me feel like someone cares; a lot
of people don't realize what depression can do
to some people. Depression to me is something
that you don't just 'get'. It is an imbalance of
chemicals in your brain. I feel that in order
to actually say you have depression, you have
to be professionally diagnosed. Depression I will
remind You, is NOT good. It is not something you want to have..
A lot of times people can get depression confused
with sadness, hallowness, or glomminess. That's
basically what it is, but just because you are sad
or have been down in the dumps lately, doesn't
mean you are depressed. For those of you who don't
know its full extent,
here is peek into what life is like with depression:


By pixijane on deviantart,
the original page can be found here:


"I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.


Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:


You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.


Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.


Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.


Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.



I will do it. I think
I will write 'love' on my arm on friday nov. 13th.
Hope is good enough, whether it's false or for a second.
It's good enough for me.

A LOOK INTO THE LIFE OF NIZA

First of all, I would like to start of with this
very flawed thought; "Sadly, most of the time it
takes experience for people to realize the meaning
of situation."


I love my family, no matter how broken we are.
I think we kids got very lucky. My mom is very
important to me and I know she will always be there
when I need her. She has helped me through so much;
I can't imagine life without her. My mom did a very
good job of raising us I think, she taught us to
think for ourselves and be our own people. She taught
us how to be nice and love every living thing.

My mom offers me a different perspective on life.
She grew up in a very very poor family. Her mom was
clinically depressed up until the time I was born,
so I guess that made life harder for my mom and her
sisters, they basically had to take care of themselves
and eachother without their mothers help. My grandpa
was a very hard worker, he cared deeply for his family
and worked a lot just so they could have shelter, food,
and clothing.

It doesn't matter where you came from,
how much money you have, who you know,
how good you are at something, what you look like...
It's who you are. Despite of everything, my mom is the
most amazing and wonderful person I know
(even better than the dahli lama!). She has a big heart
and is very open and kind. She helps me stay strong.
I love her so much.





Nate loves fishing! not to mention football and WWE wrestling...

My brother is... well hes just Nathaneil, and thats
the only way I can describe him. He says the funniest
things, and does the funniest things always. He has his
own language in which we can hold conversations.
He is the coolest little brother I could ever ask for.
I'm grateful for him. Even if he does get out of control
and annoying a lot.





Kylie loves soccer... shes the one on the left :P

Kylie is my sister. We do fight a lot, considering
that we have to share a room and we have different
sleeping schedules, different music tastes
(imagine the top 40 countdown playing along
with my indie and techno, the results are horrifying)
and we are almost exact opposites. She works on her
appearence for hours in the morning, and wouldn't dare
to be caught in public wearing pajamas or with a hair
out of place. She doesn't necessarily like interacting
with her family in public, she will always walk a little
ahead. Thats just how she is, and I'm okay with that,
because when we do get along its awesome. We will laugh
and laugh and laugh about the strangest things ever,
and sing songs that are playing on the radio.





He looks older in this picture... well this is him in ireland :D

My dad... I can't say that I know him very well,
because I don't. His definition of discipline seems a
little strange to me, and his mercurial personality
mysterious. Anyways, I do know that my dad loves us
deeply and would do anything for us, I am grateful
for that. Sometimes he can be outright hilarious.
He is a great person, and I am proud of him. He
knows what he is talking about.

I have never been embarassed by my family at all, I will
hug them in public, in front of my class mates, I would
tell them I loved them so everyone could hear.
My family rocks.


ANYWAYS ON A LIGHTER NOTE; THIS BE SOME OF MY SOCIAL LIFE



As you can infer it was home coming, this picture makes me laugh everytime. Obivouly I am uncomfortable, because all of these little wild things gaurdians were looking at us D: -scrutiny-



OMG I LOVE ALL ANIMALS, BUT IF I HAD TO PICK JUST ONE IT WOULD BE THE SEAHORSE! I count 6.



Dis is colleen and everyone she is the epitome of awesome!!! You should totally check out her blog even though I have no idea what it's called.



At the house on fountain street :P Oh how I loved that house. Chrizzizle and I are having a sleepover! If you look in the upper left hand corner you can see and orb! Or is it a fire detector?



I am ALWAYS getting in the way. This is attempt two on my picture crashing >:}



In preparation for winter fest, we proceded on making snowmen till dark, then coming inside, quickly slipping on our dresses only to eat pizza and play quitar hero. We are so cool, lasers shoot from our eyes and fingers. Oh and... Is that Kelsey T in a dress!? No way no way!!

Where The Wild Things Are

When I saw that movie, in the beginning I cried.
Not because I was sad, but because it was too close for comfort.
The family, too similar,
The emotion created by the movie,
I know too well.
That feeling...
what is it...
The feeling of a howl
made by sad, wounded, left behind wolf.
A feigning weakness.
I can't describe it.
The movie embodied my emotions as a whole.
Too well, I felt like my life was laid out for everyone to see.
Max, exactly like my brother.
Claire, exactly like my sister.
The mother reminded me of my mother.
Carol, I thought, was a lot like me.
(except I can take a joke better,
I wouldn't rip off anyones arm,
and I would be more then happy to
let bob and terry in the fortress...)

Bleed

bleeding...
The contents of my soul pour out
onto the page
vomit.
everything inside of me.
stab.
not through my bones, through my guts.
peel.
away the skin.
disdain.
coats the inside of my mouth.


My anger becomes a snarling wolf,
My sorrow becomes the river,
my aspirations the tree.
My tears create a thin line between
the sky and earth,
My longing for something more,
the mountains.
My wishes I send above them as cirrus,
the plain of golden wheat below
contains all of my knowledge.

There is never a sun.

Never coloured,
my sketches sit in black and white.

What an Oddity...

1. read book
2. wiggles toes
3. watches TV
4. okay...
5. reads book
6. looks back
7. takes drink
8. watches TV
9. looked back
10. wiggled toes

Feeble

This whole thing is a mess.
Exaggerated beyond repair,
Mountain out of a mole hill,
Tears over spilt milk.
I hate what it has become.
Damaging my binding,
shaking the life from my pages,
ripping my soul apart.
When I cut one head off,
it grows another,
until there are many more than I can deal with.

don't let yourself become like me.

My dreams are so lucid, joyous, and pleasant.
I wish I could crawl into them and disappear entirely.

The Tortoise and the Hare

If I had been the rabbit,
I would have turned the turtle on its back,
so it would have no hope of catching up to me
no matter how many times I rested.

Counterfeit

Sometimes I swear I can see straight through you.
Why do you lie when you don't have too?

I have a leopard gecko.

I have a leopard gecko
who doesn't really have a name.
I got him about a week ago,
and it still remains the same.
His socks are made of yellow,
dotted with some blots of black.
He even has a ridge of bumps,
in the middle of his back.
These bumps cover his whole body,
from his head down to his tail.
They leave impressions in my fingers,
when I handle him with care.
He finds his cage amuzing,
when I feed him through the top.
I drop the crickets in,
and they land with a plop.
Immediately he is alert,
for something is not right.
No longer alone in his cage,
but they remain out of sight.
He does not see them until they scuttle across his field of vision,
then he will begin to hunt with swift speed and precision.
Zero-ed in on his prey,
his tail begins to quiver,
He jumps on it and gulps it up,
the cricket is delivered.
Content in himself,
and content with me,
he will go back into hiding.
To a place where I can't see.
Inside his favorite log,
is where I often find him sleeping.
I do not dare disturb him,
or even bother peeping.
So I decide to leave him alone,
to let him nap peacefully.
I have a leopard gecko,
and the gecko has me.

light..

Thoughts
they race
far across
the vast, empty
fathoms of my mind.
they soon
begin
to
leave
impressions in the foldings.
planting,
seeding.
Hope.

black and sheild

There is a point when you start to know to much,
when knowledge becomes a bad thing,
and you want to start forgetting it all.

The Weight of the World

.............My world is crashing down around me,
........................Somebody help me,
........................Somebody save me,
...................I can't do this alone anymore.

Because You Should Know

because you should know
the lights are all around us.

It's going to come down to this
so be careful who you trust
to anyone who plays the game:
survival is a must.
You get ahead by staying sharp,
You trample those who miss the mark,
You cast despair on those who stray,
You ruin the lives of those who say,
Anything you don't agree with,
Anything that cuts you short.
And for those of you who want to quit,
an early death will always sit,
well in the mind of those who loved you.
For there is no hiding in the game!
You can't just run away from life!
You have to grab it by the horns!
You're in the open,
You're by yourself,
No shelter, no saviour, no one will help...
still...
You'll do fine...
but when to you begin drawing the line?

At all the times you force fed lies?
At all the emotions you failed to disquise?
At everything that you think you knew?
No, you'll never stop,
and you and I know it.

So I think it fair
You should at least tell me this,
when exactly
did you begin
to mix your fact with fantasy,
To bite off the heads of those you knew,
to take it out on those who loved you.
for this I knew you'd throw it all away
for you have been blinded,
demoraled,
despun.

I feel sorry for you.
In your head,
you've tricked yourself,
you've made yourself believe,
That no one else could really matter,
Under your grand scheme of things.
You've made yourself believe
that you are the best
better, bigger, best,
so much better than all the rest
so much so at their expense.
So tell me when did you stop caring?
Almost everything you do is for personal gain.
You won't even begin to imagine the pain
that you cause and inflict.
Of course, I wouldn't put it past you,
for someone like you, you are just a hollow shell
that is being controlled by a beast from hell,
You have lost all of your feeling,
and your willingness to fight it,
it is much easy to surrender know.
You are long gone.
Don't worry,
You had already died,
on the same day you forgot to draw the line,
Yes this whole time you were living,
but you were still dead.
Dead to me,
and dead to them,
dead to your true self.
You had already lost the game.

But not everyone will suffer your fate,
for they have kept their hearts free and true.
It is important to keep your heart strong,
because it won't matter if you win in the end,
because in this world
there are the greedy
in this world
there are the needy
and you will need help sorting the two.


So when you've done the things you wanted,
And filled up your heart to all it's content,
you can crawl into the distance,
there you'll find the end of the earth,
and as the darkness creeps upon us
one by one,
the stars will come out,
to shine on the world,
all their truth and all their cunning,
to mask everything with
jet,
but when the sun comes up
and the glitter never fades,
but mirrors memories of
yesterday

We Know.

If Only You Knew

Just when I think I've found firm ground,
I lose my footing and plummet into
nothingness again.

The Girl in the White Mask

Stale air.
Fills up her lungs,
as she shutters a breath.
Her head is leaned against the window,
Looking out at the beautiful day.
Everything was perfect.
Everything was clear.
Except her head,
and the white mask she had to wear.
The white mask
is designed to
protect those around her
from catching her sickness.
Branding.
Restraining.
Encumbering.
Yet,
she sees it as a safe gaurd,
a safety net.
Oh how and sheltered she feels,
with something like that to hide behind.
People give her looks.
She wonders what they think.
How strange it must be
to see someone wearing
a sick mask, in a place
other than a hospital.

The High Horse

I am a terrible person.
When I get up in the morning I mount my horse.
This horse is quite a hellish beast,
tall and fathomless,
it's ravenous wild eyes
and boney body,
shaking with the excitement of
another hunt...
As soon as I sit on it's saddle, we are off.
My stead plows on, plows through villages, towns, and people.
We don't don't care;
about the devastation that lays in our wake,
the lives we've destroyed,
the people we've left in their sorrow,
we just don't care.
Seeing these scenes,
It only seems to fuel us more.
Everyday, we do the same thing again.
Everyday, the more oblivious we become
to the hole we are digging for ourselves.
Soon, all the anger and hatred with burn out of us.
We will Starve,
till there is nothing left.
But until then, no one has ever stood up to us.
No one!
No human being could DREAM of reprimanding us....
We would simply laugh in there faces!
After all, who could take down such a monsterous high-horse?